So... I am still alive and kicking it seems.

No thanks to my many exploits and mistakes im sure. A few enemies aint helped either lol.

The truth is.. I never expected to see my 21 first birthday, much less my 25 th, Bloody hell im getting old O.o, 25 years old.. im almost 30. Heh. wonder what the next 25 years hold for me.

I have found that truth while sometimes painful, is something i have a deep rooted longing to always discover.

In my search for answers and the truth i recently discovered, that sometimes. its best to leave the truth buried, let sleeping dogs lie as it will. I am a bit heart broken at the moment, Some things are to painful to hear. Even for a cold hearted bastard like me.

Everything comes down to this. I care.. ALOT... No matter how cold and hard i seem. I do care. Sometimes i care to much. But i still can not open up and let anyone in, can't let someone get to close to my heart. I may never be able to.

It could be from past pain, the ghosts of my past, old memories, watching the people i was closest to die back to back when i was sixteen, Or it could be reflex, like a defense mechanism. But its still there.

Even knowing this... I try.. and I persevere. I am a survivor after all.

I have always pressed on, even at times i thought i had completly given up all hope and faith in myself and those around me.

I have fought drug addiction and won, I have fought my way back from the brink of death more times then i care to remember, I have changed many times, and i will change many more times over the course of my life.

but somethings never change. those being my love of music, writing, books, a deep need to discover the truth, the fact that no matter how much i try to be that evil fucking bastard that don't give a shit I realy do care, The secrets I have and will take to my grave, and My inability to open up and actualy speak my feelings at times.

while this journal entry can be read by anyone. its alot diffrent writing things down then it is to actualy speak them.

This is my truth, this my story, and this is my life. My wish is that everyone i have ever met and ever will meet will take what inspiration and knowledge they can from me, learn from my mistakes and grow as people like i have done.

Life is a journey..... and mine has only just begun.

Goodnight.